52 Cents

52 Cents
by conrad panganiban

Raining. Market and 6th Street in San Francisco. THEOLONIUS is on the street corner with a box of broken umbrellas.

THEOLONIUS
52 cents. 52 cents! Stay dry for 52 cents!

Enter MAXIM as he tries to take cover from the rain holding a Wall Street Journal over his head, talking on his cell phone and trying to hail for a taxi.

THEOLONIUS
52 cents, Mister?

MAXIM
(on phone) Brigid, can you tell the candidate that I’m running late to start her interview? (pause) I’ll be there in 10. Okay. Thanks. Bye.

THEOLONIUS
52 cents, Mister?

MAXIM
Sorry not today.

THEOLONIUS
I’m sellin’ not beggin’. 52 cents for an umbrella?

MAXIM
52 cents?

THEOLONIUS
That’s including tax.

MAXIM Picks up one of the umbrellas. Opens it to find that 2 of the brackets are bent broken.

MAXIM
This is shit.

THEOLONIUS
That’s what you call it. I call it a cover for the top half of your body against the elements, otherwise known as an umbrella. And despite some of it’s flaws, it’s worth 52 cents.

MAXIM
It’s worth almost nothing because it’s broken.

THEOLONIUS
It ain’t broke. It still opens up and happily functions to the will of it’s owner… like protecting that finely gelled quaff of yours. It might not be much but it will have a purpose and I’d have to admit that that purpose is worth 52 cents.

MAXIM
What’s with the 52 cents?!

THEOLONIUS
The cost is a penny for each year I’ve been alive, which I’d have to say is more than nothing.

MAXIM
Look, I’m just trying to catch a cab.

THEOLONIUS
No, you’ll be catching a cold if you don’t buy one of these here umbrellas for only…

MAXIM
52 cents. I get it. If anything, I’d have to admit that you’re persistent.

THEOLONIUS
This is my job. One of the only things I have left in this world since I’ve been living out here for the last five years.

MAXIM
You mean here in San Francisco.

THEOLONIUS
And meaning here on a bench in Golden Gate park, a doorway on Geary, or under a tree near the 80 on Howard.

MAXIM
Sorry, man.

THEOLONIUS
Sorry for what? You didn’t force whiskey down my throat when I did have a home, a family, and a job.

MAXIM
What’d you do?

THEOLONIUS
I was in Realty. How’s that for irony? A homeless man who used to sell homes. And I was damn good at it too. So, I guess that’s where my persistence comes in… speaking of which, that paper of yours is starting to leak.

MAXIM
52 cents?

THEOLONIUS
You know the price.

MAXIM takes out his wallet and pulls out a couple of dollar bills and a business card.

MAXIM
Here’s a couple of dollars and here’s my card. I could really use a persistent sales person.

While THEOLONIUS looks at the business card MAXINE hails and gets a taxi to pull up.

MAXIM
I better get going, Mr...?

THEOLONIUS
Macabenta. Theolonius Macabenta.

They shake hands

MAXIM
Nice to meet you Mr. Macabenta. I’m Maxim. Give me a call.

As MAXIM enters the taxi, THEOLONIUS grabs an umbrella and gives it to MAXIM.

THEOLONIUS
Almost forgot to take your umbrella.

MAXIM
Thanks. Hey, I was wondering, what do you do when it’s not raining?

THEOLONIUS opens up his jacket to reveal a collection of sunglasses.

THEOLONIUS
Can I interest you in some sunglasses? Only 52 cents.

THE END