Sucker!
by conrad panganiban
BIXBY (early 30's) and GRASSHOPPER (early teens) sit at MUNI bus stop. GRASSHOPPER is sucking on a lollipop.
BIXBY: You are not 25!
GRASSHOPPER: I am so.
BIXBY: Then what year were you born?
GRASSHOPPER: Why you want to know?
BIXBY: Cuz you look like your...
GRASSHOPPER: 13. I get that a lot.
BIXBY: So... what year?
GRASSHOPPER: What's your name?
BIXBY: Why you wanna know?
GRASSHOPPER: Cuz, I don't share personal information with strangers.
BIXBY: Bixby.
GRASSHOPPER: 1981
BIXBY calculates the age with his finger in the air on an imaginary chalkboard.
BIXBY: I still don't believe you.
GRASSHOPPER: If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.
BIXBY: Then what do you do for a living.
GRASSHOPPER: I'm a CPA.
BIXBY: Shut up! You are so not an accountant.
GRASSHOPPER: That I am.
BIXBY: So you go to work dressed like that?
GRASSHOPPER: Duh? Of course not. I just wanted to take a day off. Woke up this morning, looked outside the window, said hello to the sun, "Hi, Sun." and then said to myself, "GrassHopper, take the day off. You deserve it."
BIXBY: Your name is Grass Hopper? I don't know what's harder to believe, your age or your name.
GRASSHOPPER: Better believe it, Buddy.
BIXBY just looks at GRASSHOPPER.
GRASSHOPPER: You're kinda weirding me out, dude.
BIXBY: I'm still trying to comprehend that you're 25. Do you mind if I see your ID or something?
GRASSHOPPER: Yes, I do mind, cuz one, I don't know you, and two, you're gonna see my address and I just don't have time in include a stalker in my already chaotic lifestyle.
BIXBY: Then what if I just ask you some questions that only a 25 year old would know.
GRASSHOPPER: I ain't doing anything else. Shoot.
BIXBY: Where did you go to college?
GRASSHOPPER: Sac State for my undergrad. Then went to Golden Gate University for my MFA.
BIXBY: Who was your favorite boy band in the 90's?
GRASSHOPPER: I can proudly say, Backstreet Boys.
BIXBY: Your favorite 80's movie?
GRASSHOPPER: Back to the Future. Only the first one, I don't count the other 2.
BIXBY: What kind of car do you drive?
GRASSHOPPER: A 2006 Mercedes-Benz S320 CDI.
BIXBY: Ha! Gotcha! You're so lying! If you had a car, then why are you taking the bus?! Ly--errrr! Liar! You're a 13 year old impersonator!
BIXBY does a little jig to celebrate his discovery. As he dances around, GRASSHOPPER takes out the key to her Benzo.
BIXBY: What's that?
GRASSHOPPER: The key to my benz, which is at the home that I own cuz I hate driving in the city with its superfluous amount of bike messengers and its miniscule number of parking spaces.
BIXBY: Oh... I guess you are who you say you are. Sorry.
GRASSHOPPER: Unfortunately, as I said, I get it all the time.
BIXBY: I'm really sorry. I feel like a complete heel. Is there any way that I can make it up to you?
GRASSHOPPER holds out her hand.
GRASSHOPPER: Hi, my name is GrassHopper.
BIXBY: I'm Bixby.
GRASSHOPPER: There. Reset. Start over.
BIXBY: You know, Back to the Future is one of my favorite movies too... One point twenty-one jiggawatts!
GRASSHOPPER: You don't say.
BIXBY: I do, and I'm also saying that the Regal out in Berkeley is having a midnight showing of it on Saturday, and if you weren't doing anything that night, perhaps you wouldn't mind joining me.
GRASSHOPPER: Sounds like a very tempting offer. But, I'm kind of... attached right now.
BIXBY: Right. I should have known that you had a boyfriend.
GRASSHOPPER: Not exactly. A little more than that.
Enter PAPANG, GRASSHOPPER's dad.
PAPANG: Hoy. Where's my keys?
GRASSHOPPER: Right here, Dad.
PAPANG: Let's go. (to BIXBY) I hope that she's not bothering you too much! These 12 year olds are starting to cause too much trouble.
PAPANG exits.
GRASSHOPPER: Thanks for the invite, Mister, but i gotta jet! See ya... sucker!
GRASSHOPPER exits.
BIXBY just stares in awe, and then goes into convulsions of what he just did. Ew!
THE END
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Star-Crossed Love
Star-Crossed Love
by conrad panganiban
At a store inside a mall. BREEZE is shopping, sees someone, and pulls JULIP to her side.
BREEZE: Don't look over there!
(JULIP looks)
BREEZE: I said don't look! Did he look over this way?
(JULIP shakes her head, "No.")
BREEZE: Thank goodness. Did I ever tell you about him? I didn't. I swear that I had. Doesn't matter. It was such a long time ago, and I doubt that he even remembers my name. But I'll never forget his - Zenith. Not only does it remind me of the old TV my family had where the knob broke off and we had to use pliers to change the channels, oh no, but Zenith as being the man whom was the pinnacle of all the men I have ever... been with. It was a splendid summer's eve because the air smelled so fresh, and there we were locked in each other's embrace in the garden under the shadow of the State Capitol. The heat of passion burned the fire within my heart... and now to see him standing there. I can still feel the warmth. Can you? Please tell me that you do for those deep brown eyes of his can melt the ice off a penguin's behind. But alas, when he left my arms for the last time, these once happy feet can no longer dance on air as they once did.
(BREEZE looks again and he is no longer there. BREEZE steps toward the spot where he stood.)
BREEZE: He is gone. I breathe in the smell of where he stood. He still wears the cologne I bought him for our anniversary.
JULIP: How long were you together?
BREEZE: It felt like eternity for our love had no time limit. All of three days. But what a glorious three days they were. I could tell by your inquisitive stare you have another question of why we are no longer together. What always happens to the love between two star-crossed lovers... our love faded away. Of course, if you were to ask him what had happened to us, his answer would be as transparent as the waters of a river called, Denial. Instead of saying that our co-existence were like two rafts that drifted apart, his claim would surely be that I was suffocating him with my affection. He would say that I called him every second of the day, but dear, what are phones, emails, text messages, and cameras for? Silly boy for misinterpreting my coyness toward him by strapping his arms and legs to the love posts of our bed. I told him I would return later that night for a special supper, which I did. Who would have known how easily the fibers of rope can burn the skin of wrists and ankles? (laughs) It was all a game I told him. Well him and the judge. A flirtatious game of batting the eyelids, twirling of the hair, a carving into the flesh of a little heart on his bronze pectoral muscle. So many fond memories. (sigh) Alas, all good things must come to an end. And as he stood here, I could still feel the passion of his gaze into my eyes as he proclaimed the words, "I never want to see you again, you crazy woman!" So much fire burned behind his eyes and bore into my soul. Oh, the flames of love. How I long for that feeling again. If only... if only had it not be for a court-ordered restraining document that keeps me 100 feet away from his touch, we would be together. Damn the government and the local enforcements that place these shackles on my heart! I am spent. I need air. Fair thee well, my friend. Fair thee well.
BREEZE exits, as Julip's friend, FARGO enters.
FARGO: Hey Julip. Who's that?
JULIP: I have no idea. I need a mojito. I swear you better not leave me again.
FARGO and JULIP exit.
THE END
by conrad panganiban
At a store inside a mall. BREEZE is shopping, sees someone, and pulls JULIP to her side.
BREEZE: Don't look over there!
(JULIP looks)
BREEZE: I said don't look! Did he look over this way?
(JULIP shakes her head, "No.")
BREEZE: Thank goodness. Did I ever tell you about him? I didn't. I swear that I had. Doesn't matter. It was such a long time ago, and I doubt that he even remembers my name. But I'll never forget his - Zenith. Not only does it remind me of the old TV my family had where the knob broke off and we had to use pliers to change the channels, oh no, but Zenith as being the man whom was the pinnacle of all the men I have ever... been with. It was a splendid summer's eve because the air smelled so fresh, and there we were locked in each other's embrace in the garden under the shadow of the State Capitol. The heat of passion burned the fire within my heart... and now to see him standing there. I can still feel the warmth. Can you? Please tell me that you do for those deep brown eyes of his can melt the ice off a penguin's behind. But alas, when he left my arms for the last time, these once happy feet can no longer dance on air as they once did.
(BREEZE looks again and he is no longer there. BREEZE steps toward the spot where he stood.)
BREEZE: He is gone. I breathe in the smell of where he stood. He still wears the cologne I bought him for our anniversary.
JULIP: How long were you together?
BREEZE: It felt like eternity for our love had no time limit. All of three days. But what a glorious three days they were. I could tell by your inquisitive stare you have another question of why we are no longer together. What always happens to the love between two star-crossed lovers... our love faded away. Of course, if you were to ask him what had happened to us, his answer would be as transparent as the waters of a river called, Denial. Instead of saying that our co-existence were like two rafts that drifted apart, his claim would surely be that I was suffocating him with my affection. He would say that I called him every second of the day, but dear, what are phones, emails, text messages, and cameras for? Silly boy for misinterpreting my coyness toward him by strapping his arms and legs to the love posts of our bed. I told him I would return later that night for a special supper, which I did. Who would have known how easily the fibers of rope can burn the skin of wrists and ankles? (laughs) It was all a game I told him. Well him and the judge. A flirtatious game of batting the eyelids, twirling of the hair, a carving into the flesh of a little heart on his bronze pectoral muscle. So many fond memories. (sigh) Alas, all good things must come to an end. And as he stood here, I could still feel the passion of his gaze into my eyes as he proclaimed the words, "I never want to see you again, you crazy woman!" So much fire burned behind his eyes and bore into my soul. Oh, the flames of love. How I long for that feeling again. If only... if only had it not be for a court-ordered restraining document that keeps me 100 feet away from his touch, we would be together. Damn the government and the local enforcements that place these shackles on my heart! I am spent. I need air. Fair thee well, my friend. Fair thee well.
BREEZE exits, as Julip's friend, FARGO enters.
FARGO: Hey Julip. Who's that?
JULIP: I have no idea. I need a mojito. I swear you better not leave me again.
FARGO and JULIP exit.
THE END
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